Pen Me a Picture

                Mixed signals=GET OUT….  What I mean by this is, if someone is NOT showing that they really enjoy your company, going out of their way to spend time with you, or don’t ever compliment you and make you feel special, they aren’t interested in something long term with you. If your dating goal is to find a long term relationship, drop this person like a hat and keep moving! No time to waste on dilly dallying! These people are what I like to refer to as leeches. They spend a limited amount of time with you according to their needs, their schedule and their intentions. Anything that you ask of them outside of that, is too much and they will begin projecting their discomfort with intimacy as you being needy. They suck you dry of emotional efforts and then leave you feeling shitty about yourself and wanting to know why your outpouring wasn’t reciprocated. At times they are interested in you and your life and at times they ar...

You beauty you.  Resplendent and sweet. How deeply you sob. Gracefully releasing a pain in your heart. Haunted by lustful eyes.  You are a golden soul. Do not paralyze your bright mind for the sake of fools. Those that pitifully mistake you for a fool’s gold.  You are not that fake, lackluster, falsified metal. Though beautiful it may be, valuable it is not. The pure gold you are made of can withstand the heat of any man! Conduct the volts needed to amplify any life you choose. Light touches you then leaps back onto whatever stands near. The whole world knows what you are worth. What you can do.  No man can change that.  Don’t let go of your golden soul. 

05/04/20 He blew out the candles atop the pile of dough with doubt in his eyes. The smoke rising to the ceiling as he looked at his feet. Blessings and wishes are only for the ones who can stand waiting and never receiving. He said to himself. “Where does the grant come from if not someplace real that doesn’t know who I am and doesn't hear my soft childish whisper in want?” If the place from which wishes are granted is real, why hadn’t any of his previous wishes come true? At age 11, his childish, hopeful mind began to leave him to be replaced by the doubt and fear that haunts every aged person. He began the journey away from the soft, kind, untethered soul of a child, to a broken, burdened man. Little did the ones at his party know he became a man the moment he blew out the flames. The cake was a symbol. Cake and candles. They aren’t about birth, they are about death. Each year blowing out candles into wax blobs where childhood flames once burned. Sugar and fat prepare the bo...

Caught in the lips is a three word phrase LOVE must not be named before it calls itself to light For it is LOVE that takes hold of anyone’s sight Sending men and women into blissful craze She dances in the sound of it escaping his lips He grasps at the feeling of it surrounding her hips Strutting into the sentence like a blindfolded maze Two star-crossed “likers” walking into the trap LOVE is not the name for what they feel inside Lust is untamed and behind a false name it hides Wildly playing a movie of their souls Casting two “likers” in lovers roles Decay and folly await the fools who hastily slap The name of LOVE on their life roadmap Love must not be named before it calls itself to light Two likers in love from each heart take a bite Leaving behind their tales of woe, Only to find another liker to call bough Broken, beaten and tired of the pain One liker finds a way to remove the love stain Washing their hands of the gorey mess they left be...

I wrote this entry less than one month after a love note to my boyfriend at the time. I wrote a response letter to this man letting him know that I wasn’t interested in getting back together after he sent me a letter asking for just that. Exactly one month after the above entry. I have learned so much. I have understood that sometimes we call things like lust, adoration, admiration and respect “LOVE” when they don’t deserve that name. I rushed way too fast to grab onto this man and reel him in. He unfortunately fell deeply for me and I for him, then I came to reality and cut the cord from him as soon as my gut told me to. Like a boomerang I threw out my love. Upon its return, the boomerang had changed entirely. It was not love anymore.  I am guilty of not knowing my own heart and running with the wind. Unfortunately that makes me an unpredictable, scared of commitment type of woman. My heart and understanding of myself grew so much because of my ex and I need to keep growing b...

I have such tendencies these days to do exactly the opposite of what might project me toward my goals. I have minuscule, yet achievable goals that can’t be reached without certain changes. I have yet to make those changes. Furthermore, I have yet to take any action other than those that project me backwards in fact. Reversed in the timeline of my adult progress. It seems like the days are getting longer and gloomier. Food doesn’t have a taste, music all sounds the same and conglomerates together on my playlist. Light or dark, I am simply tired all the time. I don’t know how to explain this phenomenon other than, I am either clinically depressed, or have lost the meaning of life.  It’s hard to know whether you are living or just surviving or wasting time. When you do the same things everyday, each week meshes with the one before and the one afterward. There is little in my life right now that makes a difference in the world. Or at least, I am too ignorant to know the differenc...

The air was filled with fireflies though I was indoors. The brick walls all around me were cheering my name. String lights and wine glasses surround. My soul floated a few inches away from my body as it embraced the audience. My knees began to shake faltering and melting into the ground, but somehow I kept standing. I realized this was an adrenaline high.This is what it feels like to do what you were meant to do; to finally submit to your God given gifts.To be fully exposed for all to see your interior paint. I had been stuffing it for so long. This eve was the eve that marked the first time I accepted who I am. As I opened my mouth to sing, outsiders came back inside. As I finished the first song, all I could do was step back from the mic and soak in their faces. They clapped for me and for some odd reason I clapped for myself. I think because my body was telling me to, while my soul was still floating above my head returning to its proper place. I was mindlessly walking away from ...

I am currently trying to get healthy. I realized that my ass has grown to be twice the size of my waist and that I sit most of the day at work. I haven’t been working out consistently for at least 6 months. None of that matters but the point of this entry is that I am trying to get healthy and I have been working out and my doctor has me on long acting insulin. Needless to say I am struggling a bit with low bloods and that has required me to eat twice the calories that I burn at the gym at late hours of the night. I am currently up at 2am watching Netflix, feeling low (hypoglycemic), and have shoved about as many things as I could get my hands on into my mouth. I ate dinner at 9pm after the gym. I don’t know what to do.This has happened almost all week. I am afraid to go to sleep some nights. Afraid that I will be too low and not be able to get up. I am high during the daytime when I really want to eat, and I am low at night when I shouldn’t be eating. What to do? The long acti...

“His Name Is Time” I look at Time and he stares me blank in the face. Like a predator waiting to pounce. Irrationally, I sometimes fear him. Time makes things mean more, or meaningless. Time is the director of our existence. He is also a gift; a bringer of good tidings. If you use him to your advantage,  The world says you are a successful being. When time is misused, the world throws a fit. At a young age, you believe Time is your friend. You soon grow to an aversion A repugnance, toward his demands. The more you get to know him,  The more a burden he becomes. When sadness enters your life,  he is your worst nightmare. Time can change your soul.   His grip runs deep You can’t hide from him. There is a way to manage him though.  He compliments those who use him for good. Those who share him with others,  instead of trying to hoard him for themselves. They are rewarded with gifts of life and soul. ...

The town is old and the air is old. It smells like worn wood and chimney dust mixed with grass and roses. I sniff it all in as I walk down the street in front of the old lamp posts and the old beautiful bank building; marbled, pink, cloudy evening skies above the marble carved buildings. Young people in the old town gather around the gazebo and dance the night away. The air is mixing now into a splendid concoction of youth and age. Voices of wise and unwise, loved and not yet loved, jaded and not yet bruised- sound out the crowd and make for an ambient pulsing energy. It is a luscious world we live in where the two sides of life can come together at any moment with the sound of music. That is why I tap my feet and bounce through life. I call out to the connection, to the fuse that is lit with a few notes and a beat. This old town has a beat like a heart, faster with activity and a slow calm pulse with the quiet. It is alive in a funny kind of way, and music makes it so. (Uptown Whitt...

I woke up this morning and told my family to find me a rich husband so that I can just quit my job, quit school and become a housewife and a mother/ goat herder. I wake up with crazy notions of mini trips to the desert, popping up tents, and living out of the back of my car for a couple of years. Disappearing into the wilderness and only coming down for food like wild animals, sounds pretty good. My crazy notions get shot down by the thought that I am a frail human being with nothing to live off of. I could certainly get a job when I needed one in order to feed myself. I could save my money and buy a teardrop trailer, attach that thing to the back of my KIA Soul and "hit the road Jack!" Alas, again my notions are crazy. I would be certifiably insane to go on such an adventure due to the complete dependence I have on a little refrigerated bottle of medicine called Insulin. It is the bane of my existence to have a broken organ. (My pancreas went awol on me.) Some days it...

Silencing yourself can become exhausting. Especially when your mind is loud. Especially when you live with people who silence your thoughts before you can even speak. Silence is supposed to induce peaceful feelings like sleep, meditation, deep thought, and productivity. Why do I feel like silence is stumping all of those things? It seems like the world must turn in reverse for me. That "NOTW" bumper sticker must be true. (NOTW stands for "Not of this world.")  No matter how hard I try, ever since I've become an adult, there never seems to be a peaceful silence or serenity like I had as a child. When silence approaches, so does my fear of what lurks inside it. .

Blackened landscape, on a cool wet night Tops of trees are the moon’s delight Scent of pine and misty forest floor Stars like I’ve never seen before What was it that this eve had to offer As the moon knelt down to the lake at the altar The wild bowed in the sight of God Worshiping Him for its existence Owls and crickets’ songs applaud As they dwelt among the fog in the distance Friends share their woeful tales Singing tunes of praise and admire Walking along sky-lit trails And sitting by an open fire Even in the cold of the night Hearts are being warmed Inspiration from a wilderness sight Causes souls to be transformed Dazzled with the beauty all around Stopped stark, paused in the moment I quiet my being so from me not a sound Could ruin this image of God’s atonement

When did childish images fade Innocence lost while memories made Time has stolen candy coated dreams And traded them for get-rich-quick schemes Grow a few feet and at what inch, Does our confidence begin to flinch? Ears grow larger but we listen less, To the sounds of the earth and more to the mess. In the mirror, no longer see A princess or a hero, I just see me. In our youth, we knew the meaning of grass The trees, and the mud all sang in tune, Alas! we were never home by noon. Adventure and romance once admired, Until responsibilities and bills were acquired Though in our growth, we learned a lot Much was gained, however, much was lost Each day that passes reminds me, we can never go back To the memories of mudded knees and mid-day snacks Is it so wrong to want to be this young? To wish for joy without getting stung? I want to go back to when life was simpler and kind When it was easier to achieve an enormous heart a...

Cross hatched and hitting my body Tic Tac To No one’s winning It tastes, as it’s hitting my lips and kissing my eyes Like freedom of worship, r enewal of my mind Evidence of something greater than my own self Changes the colored film to gray Soothes the cold bitter scenes of the romance Washes the blood of war away Heals the scars from my broken windows Reveals what’s under the dirt on my skin Cleanses all iniquities I stand vertical in sideways rain, Against the winds, against the grain Surrounded by tears that overflow rivers Earth's beauty gains with the passing of each storm Clouds are her pillows and sun is her love. Cross hatched and hitting my body Tic Tac To A battle on my skin No one wins