Dating Advice to Myself After Going Through the Murky Pools of Dating in Los Angeles

             Mixed signals=GET OUT…. 

What I mean by this is, if someone is NOT showing that they really enjoy your company, going out of their way to spend time with you, or don’t ever compliment you and make you feel special, they aren’t interested in something long term with you. If your dating goal is to find a long term relationship, drop this person like a hat and keep moving! No time to waste on dilly dallying! These people are what I like to refer to as leeches. They spend a limited amount of time with you according to their needs, their schedule and their intentions. Anything that you ask of them outside of that, is too much and they will begin projecting their discomfort with intimacy as you being needy. They suck you dry of emotional efforts and then leave you feeling shitty about yourself and wanting to know why your outpouring wasn’t reciprocated. At times they are interested in you and your life and at times they are attentive and sweet. However, you have this odd sense, you’re unsure that they care about you or want a relationship. This is a perfect signal to get the eff out of there…. 

If something sounds sketch, it probably is…. 

Take for instance the time I dated a guy who had some issues with relationships. I thought nothing of it because his reasons for these issues were presented as issues brought on by grief, divorce, lack of communication and other things which seemed normal for most families and friends. Later on, I discovered his version of the relationship he had with his family was completely made up and sugar coated in comparison to what I saw going on in the home. He also had issues in other relationships. He would tell me about other women he dated who just ghosted him for no apparent reason. Now, let’s take a moment on this subject; yes, men and women ghost people for no apparent reason at times, but we all know the person ghosting HAS a reason, we just  don’t know or don’t want to admit what that is. When this young man told me that the woman he was dating for three months suddenly left and didn’t say a word, my Spidey senses began to tingle. I began to take note of more details regarding his past relationships. (Sadly it took me three months also to realize he was not the right person for me to date.) What I realized is that for someone to go from being totally interested and spending time with a person, to never speaking to them again, takes a lot of impact. There had to be a reason either on her side, or something he did to make her spook and get the eff out….  After being in a relationship with this guy, and breaking up with him after finding out greater detail about his personal life, I lean towards the later situation for the nameless ex. Needless to say, as time progressed, it became clear to me that though this guy was sharing a lot about himself, he wasn’t being totally honest about who he really was and his perspective on his presence in other people’s lives was actually closer to a fantasy than what was really taking place. This is common for people struggling with mental health problems which I will do another blog post about later. All this to say that if I had listened to my red flag warning on our third date when he told me some things that sounded questionable, I may not have ended up dating him for so long only to finally put puzzle pieces together and suddenly break up. I could have saved him and I both a lot of turmoil and grief had I listened to my lady sensors and stopped it at the third date. 

Love Comes Softly

I love the Christian film series Love Comes Softly. One of the main themes in this series is that we grow in love. It doesn't always happen like fireworks and sunset horseback rides on abandoned beaches. Sometimes, love doesn’t come until you’ve been through hard times. Sometimes, you fall slowly in love with the last person you ever imagined. When I started dating, I was lonely, desperate for physical interaction with the opposite sex, and desiring to put a ring on it as soon as possible so that I could carry the wifey status. I made it even more difficult to reach these goals by putting the pressure of marriage and intimacy on my dates almost immediately after meeting them. I interviewed some of them like it was the career of their lifetime and asked them about things that most people in their twenties don’t have the slightest idea about. This was a mistake. I lost the opportunity to develop chemistry with some really cool guys and to get to know some that would have been great friends and possible lovers. I put them through a high pressure environment that disappointed me every time. I was disappointed by the lack of planning, lack of direction, lack of romance and forwardness at times and lack of instant attraction that I always see on TV…. There’s things in life that are important to think about later when you’re about to get married, things like homes, cars, kids and taxes, but not before. It’s too much pressure on you and your date…. Have fun, get to know them, and don’t make it so hard to be friends! Sew your love seeds.  Love will take time and you need to try to watch it grow before abandoning the crop! Let the rain poor down on them and let the sun shine.