After I Wrote a Love Note

I wrote this entry less than one month after a love note to my boyfriend at the time. I wrote a response letter to this man letting him know that I wasn’t interested in getting back together after he sent me a letter asking for just that. Exactly one month after the above entry. I have learned so much. I have understood that sometimes we call things like lust, adoration, admiration and respect “LOVE” when they don’t deserve that name. I rushed way too fast to grab onto this man and reel him in. He unfortunately fell deeply for me and I for him, then I came to reality and cut the cord from him as soon as my gut told me to. Like a boomerang I threw out my love. Upon its return, the boomerang had changed entirely. It was not love anymore. 

I am guilty of not knowing my own heart and running with the wind. Unfortunately that makes me an unpredictable, scared of commitment type of woman. My heart and understanding of myself grew so much because of my ex and I need to keep growing before I can handle the kind of commitment he wanted from me. I feel bad that my crash course on love was at the cost of a man that I care about. I can truly say that I thought I loved him. I thought we were getting married next year. I thought that the way he was treating me was enough. I wanted to have that long term thing with this man, but he proved himself to be someone not ready for marriage and I proved myself unable to ride the waves of life and struggle with this guy. 

I am constantly moving, changing, seeking new experiences and working on myself. I live in the present admiring the things God has placed in my path. This man didn’t see that. He didn’t stop to sniff roses or sing with the birds. I need someone who is willing to do that with me. He was also stagnant in many ways. He hadn’t started moving until we met. It was scary to be on a pedestal as someone’s muse for getting up and working on themselves. That was too much pressure and I had to leave the situation fast!!! I also knew things in my heart of hearts, yet chose not to accept them until we were in love and four months into a relationship that was headed for a reckless marriage. I chose the willy nilly, happy go lucky love attitude over common sense because at the same time, I was also lonely and afraid of being alone again. I wanted that person to come over and cuddle with. I wanted the late night coffee and conversations. The movies and the makeouts. I sadly found later that all those things aside, this guy wasn’t a potential husband for me at all. I had been blinded by all the dating and date night stuff that I conjured up this idea of love that never should have received the honor. 

I learned how to screen myself and screen test the next man that comes along. This time though, I will be sure he is a man; a grown one at that. Before I fall in love and give my all. I really threw myself whole-heartedly at a stranger! I told this man I loved him after maybe 7 to 10 dates and knowing him for about 2 months. I hadn’t even met his family yet! Neither had he met mine! Too bad for the both of us. Praise God for reality and honesty though. For real! I was able to share my heart with this guy and be bold in my response to him. I was able to chalk this up to a learning experience while many might say it should have been a heartbreak. The saddest thing is that I was relieved. I had bound myself to someone that was not right. I could feel the drag, the pull, the loss of myself in him. I never want to feel that way again. It was a lovesickness that I never want to subject myself to again. I hope that in reading this, others might recognize signals in their own relationships and get out before it’s too late. Be okay with learning something from someone. Don’t be too nice to break up either. I was too nice through all of my previous dating relationships and tolerated way more than I ever should have. Praise God that I came out of this with a few battle wounds and a whole mess of wisdom. Thought my heart was heavy and my days changed without this guy in my life, praise God! Praise God! I have had worse breakups with less meaningful relationships. This one ended softly and quietly. My family and friends were there to support me, and I sought counsel in all aspects of the entire process which made all the difference in moving on. 

Do not awaken love before it is called to light. Love comes from God and we shouldn’t put the honor and glory of love on things that don’t deserve it. It will falter and decompose. Love is a strong title and a presence that can’t be moved. Anything that can’t stand it’s name will surely be crushed.