Entry 04/13/20

I have such tendencies these days to do exactly the opposite of what might project me toward my goals. I have minuscule, yet achievable goals that can’t be reached without certain changes. I have yet to make those changes. Furthermore, I have yet to take any action other than those that project me backwards in fact. Reversed in the timeline of my adult progress. It seems like the days are getting longer and gloomier. Food doesn’t have a taste, music all sounds the same and conglomerates together on my playlist. Light or dark, I am simply tired all the time. I don’t know how to explain this phenomenon other than, I am either clinically depressed, or have lost the meaning of life. 

It’s hard to know whether you are living or just surviving or wasting time. When you do the same things everyday, each week meshes with the one before and the one afterward. There is little in my life right now that makes a difference in the world. Or at least, I am too ignorant to know the difference. There are few things that get me excited. I think the most exciting news would be that the quarantine is lifted and I can finally hug someone without feeling guilty for possibly exposing them to a virus that could kill them and their family. When all of this is over, I am going to stand on a street corner with a sign on my back and my chest saying, “Free Hugs.” Hopefully people don’t abuse that; I might need to have someone there to do it with me so I am not in danger. Lord knows that in this neighborhood people go a little overboard and cross boundaries. It would be different than standing on a corner in a place like Idaho. Though I imagine that in Idaho people don’t need free hugs…. They might be well supplied.

I never thought I would see the day when the only thing I truly have to look forward to is my next meal. Tasteless now, I don’t have that either. I can’t seem to find any pity for myself though. I know too well that there are others way worse off than me. There’s people starving. (I say it loudly again in my head, “There’s people starving!”) Though we can’t do much about the people starving when we live a life that is so focused on the self. Starving people occasionally pop into my head when I enjoy a meal at the Cheesecake Factory. (Or any other food establishment that costs more to eat than I make in one hour.) Occasionally. I was just being honest. I doubt many of us think about them when we are going out to eat, when we complain about our food, and when we choose to treat wait staff as though they are our temporary indentured servants.

All this to say, I have  thoughts during this pandemic that should have been there far far beforehand. I can’t express what I feel today while I write this entry. It doesn’t make sense to me; being a mixture of shame and hope. Shame for the attitude I have carried for so long about things pertaining to life and meaning. Hope that after this is over, I will have grown and improved my ability to be sensitive to others and the needs of this world. To care for them. To naturally think of them, and to use that concern as a building block for the rest of my life.

Wishing you all a splendid day of being thankful for what you have!

-Virago