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Dating Advice to Myself After Going Through the Murky Pools of Dating in Los Angeles

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                Mixed signals=GET OUT….  What I mean by this is, if someone is NOT showing that they really enjoy your company, going out of their way to spend time with you, or don’t ever compliment you and make you feel special, they aren’t interested in something long term with you. If your dating goal is to find a long term relationship, drop this person like a hat and keep moving! No time to waste on dilly dallying! These people are what I like to refer to as leeches. They spend a limited amount of time with you according to their needs, their schedule and their intentions. Anything that you ask of them outside of that, is too much and they will begin projecting their discomfort with intimacy as you being needy. They suck you dry of emotional efforts and then leave you feeling shitty about yourself and wanting to know why your outpouring wasn’t reciprocated. At times they are interested in you and your life and at times they are attentive and sweet. However, you have this odd sens
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Golden Soul (Stream of Consciousness poem.)

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You beauty you.  Resplendent and sweet. How deeply you sob. Gracefully releasing a pain in your heart. Haunted by lustful eyes.  You are a golden soul. Do not paralyze your bright mind for the sake of fools. Those that pitifully mistake you for a fool’s gold.  You are not that fake, lackluster, falsified metal. Though beautiful it may be, valuable it is not. The pure gold you are made of can withstand the heat of any man! Conduct the volts needed to amplify any life you choose. Light touches you then leaps back onto whatever stands near. The whole world knows what you are worth. What you can do.  No man can change that.  Don’t let go of your golden soul. 
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Cake and Candles

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05/04/20 He blew out the candles atop the pile of dough with doubt in his eyes. The smoke rising to the ceiling as he looked at his feet. Blessings and wishes are only for the ones who can stand waiting and never receiving. He said to himself. “Where does the grant come from if not someplace real that doesn’t know who I am and doesn't hear my soft childish whisper in want?” If the place from which wishes are granted is real, why hadn’t any of his previous wishes come true? At age 11, his childish, hopeful mind began to leave him to be replaced by the doubt and fear that haunts every aged person. He began the journey away from the soft, kind, untethered soul of a child, to a broken, burdened man. Little did the ones at his party know he became a man the moment he blew out the flames. The cake was a symbol. Cake and candles. They aren’t about birth, they are about death. Each year blowing out candles into wax blobs where childhood flames once burned. Sugar and fat prepare the bo
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Saying "I Love You" and Not Meaning It

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Caught in the lips is a three word phrase LOVE must not be named before it calls itself to light For it is LOVE that takes hold of anyone’s sight Sending men and women into blissful craze She dances in the sound of it escaping his lips He grasps at the feeling of it surrounding her hips Strutting into the sentence like a blindfolded maze Two star-crossed “likers” walking into the trap LOVE is not the name for what they feel inside Lust is untamed and behind a false name it hides Wildly playing a movie of their souls Casting two “likers” in lovers roles Decay and folly await the fools who hastily slap The name of LOVE on their life roadmap Love must not be named before it calls itself to light Two likers in love from each heart take a bite Leaving behind their tales of woe, Only to find another liker to call bough Broken, beaten and tired of the pain One liker finds a way to remove the love stain Washing their hands of the gorey mess they left be
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After I Wrote a Love Note

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I wrote this entry less than one month after a love note to my boyfriend at the time. I wrote a response letter to this man letting him know that I wasn’t interested in getting back together after he sent me a letter asking for just that. Exactly one month after the above entry. I have learned so much. I have understood that sometimes we call things like lust, adoration, admiration and respect “LOVE” when they don’t deserve that name. I rushed way too fast to grab onto this man and reel him in. He unfortunately fell deeply for me and I for him, then I came to reality and cut the cord from him as soon as my gut told me to. Like a boomerang I threw out my love. Upon its return, the boomerang had changed entirely. It was not love anymore.  I am guilty of not knowing my own heart and running with the wind. Unfortunately that makes me an unpredictable, scared of commitment type of woman. My heart and understanding of myself grew so much because of my ex and I need to keep growing befor
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Entry 04/13/20

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I have such tendencies these days to do exactly the opposite of what might project me toward my goals. I have minuscule, yet achievable goals that can’t be reached without certain changes. I have yet to make those changes. Furthermore, I have yet to take any action other than those that project me backwards in fact. Reversed in the timeline of my adult progress. It seems like the days are getting longer and gloomier. Food doesn’t have a taste, music all sounds the same and conglomerates together on my playlist. Light or dark, I am simply tired all the time. I don’t know how to explain this phenomenon other than, I am either clinically depressed, or have lost the meaning of life.  It’s hard to know whether you are living or just surviving or wasting time. When you do the same things everyday, each week meshes with the one before and the one afterward. There is little in my life right now that makes a difference in the world. Or at least, I am too ignorant to know the difference. T
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The Night Was Filled With Music (Journal Entry)

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The air was filled with fireflies though I was indoors. The brick walls all around me were cheering my name. String lights and wine glasses surround. My soul floated a few inches away from my body as it embraced the audience. My knees began to shake faltering and melting into the ground, but somehow I kept standing. I realized this was an adrenaline high.This is what it feels like to do what you were meant to do; to finally submit to your God given gifts.To be fully exposed for all to see your interior paint. I had been stuffing it for so long. This eve was the eve that marked the first time I accepted who I am. As I opened my mouth to sing, outsiders came back inside. As I finished the first song, all I could do was step back from the mic and soak in their faces. They clapped for me and for some odd reason I clapped for myself. I think because my body was telling me to, while my soul was still floating above my head returning to its proper place. I was mindlessly walking away from
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